The "Metamorphosis" of Love

By: A Riddled Ex.

Hello there and thank you for stopping by and allowing me to entertain you for a bit as I scrape out the inside of my mind on to these pages... I know I can get a bit long-winded, but bear with me (only if you want to) because, I am human, after all, and sometimes we're a little imperfect despite our attempts to reach perfection.

Anyways, this blog was inspired by a podcast created by a fellow thinker and creator, much like myself, named Darren, who runs the Seeking-i YouTube channel. I listened to his podcast, "On Relationships," over a year ago now, and it is one of those things that, for whatever reason, I cannot stop circling about in my mind, because I could not agree more with the issues he addressed, especially the angle at which "relationships," or more specifically "Love," was being examined. But also, I felt there was so much more to say on the topic, in a way that could beautify the contrast of light vs darkness, creating a full-bodied chiaroscuro painting. I feel that a truly healthy entity, of any form, must have both light and dark, which creates the beautiful complexity that exists within the polarization of everything. The podcast was marvelous, yet terrifyingly raw and honest, and perhaps it is the rarity of that honesty that stuck with me most.

In a world of sparkling superficiality, the beauty of honesty, the type that lurks in the shadows, is a rare trait that I find hard to ignore. I feel that vulnerability, like that which was expressed in the Seeking-i podcast, provides immeasurable value to the world, as uncomfortable as it is. For many, being "vulnerable" means being "rejected," and that is threatening. But for others, it means finally being "seen." It takes a stifling amount of courage to be publicly vulnerable, as it does come with many risks. But since when should the avoidance of "risk" promote stagnation, a state in which rot and disease is the only thing to fester.

The Spectrum of Love

This blog isn't about "honesty" though, really, but I believe that "True Love" and "Honesty of Intent" are one in the same, in my opinion. The word "Love" alone is enmeshed with so many other words and meanings that a simple definition of one word could never fully explain such a complex thing, such as "what it means to Love," and more specifically to foster an attitude of "Unconditional Love", something which I believe is the most true kind. Honesty, I believe, is an integral aspect of Love, though admittedly, it often feels starkly uncomfortable, frightening even, because it illuminates those shadowy things which we'd rather avoid noticing in our lives; or those things which we try to hide from the world due to a fear of imperfection and rejection, those "things" that cause the sickness of shame to brew in the darkness of our beings. Honesty is nakedness...and so too is love, a default state in which we're all born.

We Are Born "In Love"

How are we all born "in love"? Well, simply look at a child, or an infant, for that matter. When they are born, they have an innate sense of "self love", which some might call "selfishness" and others deem as "the innate human will to survive". Babies, and children, until about the age of four or so, are entirely selfish. But not because they intend to be only self-loving, but because their survival does quite literally depend on it. What a "selfish" baby intends is unknown, but I would say they intend to "experience freely" and to survive.

In adults, however, the survival instinct illuminates the "dark side" of self-love. What unbalanced self-love truly illuminates, though, is an immaturity of a kind, an overgrown "selfish" love. I am talking about those who seem as if they have never evolved out of their survival based, experience driven, infantile state of long ago. As we get older and mature, part of the journey into adulthood is learning to love and care for others, as much as ourselves. In part, it is still a necessity of survival, being unliked never really works out when you're expected to exist in a society of others. But also, because like infants, children and animals, harmony with other cohabitants actually adds to quality of life for everyone, it is the reciprocal give and take relationship that unites us most and allows us to continue evolving and flourishing in our being's form.

It seems to me though, that adults have an exceptionally hard time with allowing these two polarities to exist within oneself: "self-love" and "love for others". Oftentimes, what you see is either, a.) Someone who loves only themselves, someone who prioritizes their needs and comfort, even to the detriment of others, OR b.) people who prioritize others and completely neglect themselves. Finding this balance is truly difficult as an adult, but I still think that babies and young children represent this best because of their naivety and lack of mental corruption from culture and its words and symbols, which overtime, obscure the purity of our lenses. We think we have a lot to teach children, but sometimes it seems that they have a lot to re-teach us.

The Purity of "Original Love"

Babies have self love for survival indeed but I would also dare to say that they have "Original Love", as in "uncorrupted Love". They love themselves most truly and purely as children, because they have never encountered a reason to question their default state of love. They admire their bodies as magnificent works of art. They can't get over looking at their fingers, toes, tasting the colors of foods (and objects) in the world and exploring all the textures, smells and wonders that there are to explore. Their love is palpable when they look at you with their unbiased, twinkly eyes and buttery laughs that melt your parent-bearing soul. If it's not your child, perhaps the feeling doesn't exist and that's okay (It didn't for me prior to having my own). But if you do have a child or find children adoring, you'll know the pure love that I'm talking about; The same pure love that you feel when a puppy gives you a sloppy warm love-lick in your face, despite your sweaty, smelly, make-up-y skin or the kitten who cuddles up in the warmth of your lap, at the end of a tiring work day, and purrs a purr that syncs up with your energetic vibration purrrrr-fectly...

Children (and animals) don't hate themselves, they don't scold or punish others for being "their selves" and they certainly don't care much to look in the mirror for any other purpose other than mere curiosity. Children are books with no words. They are pages flipping by to document experiences through pictures painted with sense based impressions and imagination. They aren't searching for the end, they are fully immersed in the experience of the beginning.

Integration of Darkness & Maturity

Perhaps I don't mean this exactly in the Carl Jung sense, but I believe that the journey into maturity necessarily means that we must fully indulge in the experiences of the moment, especially as babies and children, until the point of overflowing fullness which then prompts us to cocoon in the womb of our darkness, where metamorphosis can take place. Here our minds and bodies metabolize all that we experienced, comparing it to all that we do, (and do not) know and then rearranging who, and what, we think we are based on the accumulated, organized and understood energy, which has now been converted into "data" rendering our current "sense of self". I say that this "Metamorphosis" can take place, rather than it "will" because, more often than not, this possibility of "can" never happens. We become comfortable in our cocoons, in the safety of the shell and instead, remain hidden behind our walls, painting faces on the outsides of them in which we use to interact with the world, in a less vulnerable way. If however, we are willing to continue nourishing our developing, evolving being within, eventually the pressure will have no choice but to force us to hatch out of the shell of the known, exposing the new "evolved", unknown version of yourself into, and under, the "microscope of light" so that true understanding and acceptance can, or should, be achieved by all.

Understanding cannot be achieved in the form of pure chaotic love as a child experiences. And yes, I said "Chaotic Love" because Love isn't always orderly. It is the need to understand that forces us into (mostly) valuable boxes that help us narrow down and focus on chaotic subjects. But once the understanding has been achieved, I believe that it is best to set the subject free to interact with the world in its new evolved form. More often than not, we keep the boxes closed and sealed off forever, for safe keeping, never allowing the new understanding of the studied subject to flourish in its evolved form. So, why do we keep the boxes? Well, because it feels safer, more predictable, more quantifiable and lastly, more controlled. But control is not love, is it? Not love of an idea, a concept, or a living being.

I had an infant of my own only four years ago, and so, this knowledge of "true love" really set in with the existence of my little creature, whom I now call "my child". She was born naked, at a mere 4.7lbs, on a cold December day in 2021, just a week or so before Christmas. Naked, she came into this world of light, out of her known, warm world of darkness, obliviousness and security, and clothed she became under the transparent rays of peering, probing eyes and Light.

Darkness, you see, isn't always "bad" or "wrong" or "scary". In the case of an infant, it is actually the restrictiveness of clothing and the brightness of the light that is most frightening, as it brought with it a world full of things "unknown". Ambiguity is not always security, it is the knowledge that things exist that we cannot understand yet (or ever), that terrifies us. And perhaps, most frightening of all, the idea that our beloved comfort and security, which we knew so well, may never be found again in this lifetime spent under the luminosity of light. There is nothing inherently wrong with the comfort that surrounds us in the darkness of our vulnerable phases. Truth, you see, isn't superior to False. They must exist in cooperation with each other for growth to exist in any form, and we're not always mentally prepared for growth to happen when our bones begin to ache, but we stretch and grow anyways, slowly breaking the shell of who we were. Humans are constantly in a state of flux. Treating each other as if we're static beings is certainly an unintentional flaw of the rational mind, I feel.

The Allowance for Growth

Intentions, I believe, are the ultimate guide to Truth and by "Truth", I mean "honesty" or "nakedness of being". One cannot pretend to intend something which they are diametrically opposed to doing, without it eventually becoming revealed in some catastrophic way. I believe that things such as lies, cheating, manipulating, stealing, and the like, are all products of suppressed behavior, when one chooses to defy their intentions and do the opposite of what they intend at their core, trading "truth" for the fleeting feeling of "love" or "social acceptance".

What happens then, when you're accepted, or loved, just until the ice cracks, and the dark, mercury waters, which you were hiding under the surface, begin to seep out? Your darkness will surely scare them away and it'll likely scare you, too, into a self-deprecating cycle of wrath for your true self and the unforgiveness that follows society as you seethe at them for betraying you and most of all, rejecting you for the true you. But remember, it's not only their fault, you chose to hide it. Not because you were being deceitful though, but because you were afraid. We are all afraid, just as an infant is, fresh out of the womb, forced under the sterile light of the hospital. But the difference between us and infants is this: when an infant is forced into an environment that they aren't quite ready to adapt to yet, they react honestly and their intentions are obvious. But your pure love and acceptance of your little one allows room for this constant growth and change and you, being in proximity to them, change with them.

Why is this same change, prompted by growth, due to new environments and experiences, not acceptable in adults, though? But do we really think we are done growing as soon as we turn eighteen? I think, psychologically, spiritually and cognitively we should be allowed to continue growing and changing throughout the entirety of our lives. But for whatever reason, that is not the case. We are put into boxes and categories that label our "identity" by the time we are young adults, and society expects us to remain in those boxes forever, because if we change, then we are "betraying" who they thought we were, and who we convinced ourselves to be. But what if we never fully knew who we were? What if that was the journey of a lifetime to figure out? What if we weren't so afraid...

The Illusion of Harmony

Unfortunately, due to our fear of abandoning societal norms and expectations, we often smother ourselves under the scrutiny of the light, as we build up a paper mache shell which represents a hollow, false version of who we are. A symbol. We want to pretend that we were "born ready" for the world, even when we were not. The world doesn't like "evolution" because it means change or adaptability, and change means unpredictability and that...is scary. Perhaps this is because a "harmonious" society is built on acceptance of lies, instead of acceptance of truth, or as I call it "honesty" and "vulnerability". Society "works" because we all "stay in our lanes". Like animals in a zoo, we are at peace behind our cages. But if the cages and walls break? We attack each other, kill one another and inflict pure chaotic harm on the world. I believe the truth of the matter lies in the fact that our "harmony" is a facade. The cages represent security and for some reason, we seem to think that harmony and security are the same thing, and they are not. Unconditional Love, I believe, is the only thing that can ever foster true harmony. And this comes from a willingness to understand, or at least to try.

What Unconditional Love Is, and Is Not...

In my opinion, Unconditional Love is what is seen in a child who loves himself and his parents blindly, despite their flaws. It is seen in a true loving parent who adores their child, in spite of their child's immaturity and constant need for change. It is seen in the dog who loves his owner even after being smacked and in the cat who learns to love again, even after being dumped out into the cold, dangerous streets by their owner, yet still runs back home to their cruel, selfish companion.

Unconditional love is always in flux, it is adapting in a reciprocal dance with that which it loves. Unconditional love welcomes evolution and seeks to endlessly understand because that's what true love does. It attempts to understand rather than know. Unconditional love demands freedom and willingness and...uncertainty. It trusts, not because anyone deserves it, but because trust allows freedom of intent to reveal itself. And intent is the only true indicator of someone's values, in my opinion. What someone intends often shows you what they truly care about, even if it lurks in the dark, obscured from everyone but themselves. I do not think those things hidden in darkness are always "bad" or "nefarious" but rather they are simply unseen. But things which fester until the point of explosion are typically far more disastrous, and they typically leave you feeling much more like the villain that you truly ever were. Being afraid and being monstrous can look the same but the intentions which provoke such things are nowhere similar to each other. Fear inhibits true desire. Evil is when desire overpowers the wellbeing of others for its sake only. But, if you contrast all of this to our typical idea of "Love", we see the exact opposite phenomena.

Love, as we know it, is conditional because it's based on a fixed idea or thing, a static, or stagnant one, that is. You love coffee, until your favorite creamer runs out. You love sports until you no longer win. You love your partner until they evolve and become someone that you cannot predict or know, as you did, and so, instead of evolving with them, you "fall out of love". Because you never loved them truly, you loved the idea of who you thought they were. You love your dog until he bites your son, or your cat until she scratches your baby daughter. If your intention was to truly love, you would naturally adapt to these behaviors, examine their intent, and attempt to understand them but instead, you reject them and the entity that you "loved". This is not love. This is conditional love, It is acceptance of an idea, not of a person or a creature, who are literally always in a state of flux, rather than stagnation, as conditional love is.

What we think of as "love", at its core, I believe is actually self-love. It's unintentional selfishness, disguised as selflessness. We love the idea of someone because it provides comfort to our ego, and merely because what happens within the realms of comfort is safe and predictable. But comfort will not allow you to grow, it only allows you to stay safe, or become "stagnant" I'd call it. But the problem is, to truly live, we must continually grow in some capacity, otherwise, we rot away in our stagnation.

I am not going to say that any of us are wrong for not always having "unconditional love". It is something that we have been steered away from since birth. It is something that is looked down upon, even, because the idea of it is often misunderstood.

Loving someone "unconditionally" does not mean loving someone despite how they behave. It doesn't mean loving malicious intentions, laziness or self-indulgence. Loving someone objectively, means wanting what is best for them and honestly pointing out when they are doing things or behaving in ways that are clearly harmful to themselves and others, based on your honesty, yet still subjective opinion. What is best for all of us is growth.

Allow me to give an example of this: If your partner is a workaholic and drinking themselves to death at night, for instance, it is in their best interest, and in yours, to give them feedback on this matter. If you can see that they aren't happy, then why allow them to simmer in their boiling pot? If you truly love this person unconditionally, that might mean that you have to admit to, and do some uncomfortable things. Loving your partner does not mean ridiculing them, and pointing out their flaws or constantly breathing down their backs to ensure that they are meeting your ideal expectations of them. Perhaps they do work too much, love money too much, slack off too much at home and so forth, all from your perspective. But perhaps you buy too much, dine out too much and mutually indulge in pleasures too much which are financially unstable for the time being.

Loving someone unconditionally NEVER asks us to point the finger but rather it asks us to examine ourselves closely, and see how we might be contributing to a situation and then both doing our part to change, and often sacrifice something, for a better future where both partners are happy and very much still in love, in one way or another.

Unconditional love, however, doesn't mean that things will always work out or that people will always come to an agreement. Sometimes it looks like "agreeing to disagree" and choosing to live peacefully, despite these disagreements. It means choosing to trust others and their intentions as pure, even if our minds and bodies can't understand their "whys".

However, "loving unconditionally" never ever means allowing someone to take advantage of you. It does not mean that you're not allowed to feel angry nor does it mean that you should tolerate mistreatment of any kind. In fact, it demands the opposite. Unconditional love requires honesty, and the discomfort that always comes with that, is something that both people in a relationship must work out on their own accord. Unconditional love must always be willing and never forced.

So, most of the time, when people do these "wrong" things, are they truly intending to do wrong? What I mean to say here, isn't that we should do "whatever we want", but rather, we should investigate what we want and why so that we can make a choice which will align with those desires most appropriately, efficiently, and harmlessly. Unfortunately, I feel that most people, myself included for a long time, live according to the ideals of society, without really understanding what foundation they stand on or why they ended up there.

In the darkness of your being, are your unclothed secrets. "Naked" doesn't mean "wrong" it simply means vulnerable. When you're naked, you're vulnerable to criticism, shame, guilt, rejection, and physical harm from weather, other animals, humans, etc. But nakedness is not wrong, nor is Truth, or Honesty...or Love.

I would dare to say that it's actually rather simple, but has become increasingly "complex" due to lifetimes among the long time of human evolution of thought and mind.

For the past few years, I believed that Love equals "Order" and that Chaos was the lack of it (love/order), leading certainly and only, to entropy. After thinking about this subject for some time now though, I no longer arrive at the same conclusion.

I now believe that both Order and Chaos are ordered together harmoniously through the willpower of Intention only. Intention is what puts order to the chaos, for good or for bad. Order isn't inherently good, and it certainly doesn't equal "Love" nor does "Chaos" always mean "bad". Understanding new ideas, concepts, ways of seeing others, and the like are certainly uncomfortable, but avoiding doing so will only manifest in even more discomfort, as things eventually unravel sloppily, and tragically, due to avoidance.

Order, or "rules" do not change our inherent intentions. I do, however, truly believe that intentions can be changed, but only through willful learning, understanding and accepting that which is. No one can make you change what you feel inside, you have to love someone enough truly, (or yourself enough), to want to change this feeling, or intention. For this to happen, you must acknowledge that it is for the well being of everyone involved, yourself included.

Finally, to Summarize...

I do not think that "everyone eventually falls out of love." I think the kind of love that you have for someone can change, because if you truly love them, unconditionally that is, you will adapt with them; this could, in turn, change how you love them. But how you love someone and what you intend to do with that love are two separate things. A healthy love, that is a balance of self-ish and self-less love, is in my opinion, the only lasting love. Without self-love, resentment grows, along with illness and the death of self empowerment, and without love of another, true connection and harmony cannot be reached to the level which I believe we need and that is a lonely life to live, a deadly one even, as we know how deadly the "disease of loneliness is."

Secondly, I do not think that all relationships will end or change simply because "love disappeared". And if they do, it's likely that true, honest love was never there to begin with, but rather it was simply the superficial infatuation with the idea or physicality of the person and what they represented to you. Or, perhaps you did truly love the stagnant version of this person, but you did not love them enough to see all that they are and that they could become. You didn't love all of them, you just loved less than a part of them. That is not true love.

Lastly, before I wrap up, I think it's valuable to distinguish the different types of love that exist, because there is a whole spectrum of love, which can indeed evolve over time. Here, I believe labels are useful, useful just long enough to understand, and then like a butterfly in a cage, set it free and live according to your new understanding.

Infatuation: I believe this is a fleeting state of "love" or "fascination" which can mask itself under the artificial label of "Love", while truly being nothing like it. I think Infatuation is based on a feeling rather than an understanding. And feelings are not reliable, as I have learned throughout my life being a highly emotional person myself. Feelings come and go as quickly as the wind, and what is left behind is the understanding that the feeling brought, if you're willing to examine the remains.

Most of my life, I have felt incredibly misunderstood and thereby, unloved, truly. I feel that what most people "love" about me boils down to "what I can do for them" or in other words, what feelings I cause them to have: happiness, relief, flattery, acceptance, etc. I am by no means perfect, but I have always tried very hard to understand, love and accept others as truly as I can. It seems to me that, for short periods of time, people become infatuated with the idea of me. They think I'm a dainty fairy, aloof, ditsy and naive. Or they know me as a "go getter" a "fixer upper", someone who can pretty much always solve any problem (even though, I most certainly cannot). Lastly, many view me as a therapist, or as an emotional support figure. And all of this is dandy and fine until I show others the true parts of who I am, and not just what I do for others. Then, it seems like all who cared vanished. I can't help you anymore? Gone. I disagree with that action or behavior. Gone. I really enjoy this subject or topic. Gone. I am then left alone feeling to be "too much", or for some "too little". A "disappointment" or an "embarrassment". "Stupid" or "Naive". Why could nobody love me, for me? When I am no longer of use to you, or I suddenly poke my head out of the box that you put me in, you vanish. I tell you my intentions and heart purely, and the rawness makes you squeamish. And that hurts, to be honest. So, looking for unconditional love is something that I have always tried to give but also, desperately sought to have, and in some ways, still do.

Traditional "Love":

By "Traditional Love" I mean that which we accept most in society as being "true love". The love that we feel when we are in our comfort zones. The word we use when saying goodbye to our family members or friends at the end of a conversation or as our partner walks out of the door for work. It's the word we compulsively, almost automatically say to our child nearly every time we see them, and it's the word we use to describe something that we value or really, really like and enjoy. But, just because we use the same word to describe many things, it doesn't necessarily put the same value or weight on all of them equally. Surely, you probably love your husband more than your coffee. But wait...Who do you love more, your husband, best friend, child or parents? And wait... What do you love more, your guitar, your coffee, or your cat? Is it fair to say that you love them equally? I think not, if love in this context only describes one thing, which in my opinion is something that we really like and feel safe with. Safety, being the key trait which defines this feeling of "love". If your whole home were to burn down with everyone and everything you loved in it, who or what would you save? Can you actually quantify love as a singular thing like that? Again, I think not. Love is not a static thing, true unconditional love cannot be such.

Most problematic of all, I think, is the fact that Love in the way that we understand it is associated with singularity. We love only our husbands romantically. We love only our children, more than anyone else's. We love only our pets. The list goes on. What is truly happening though, is that we actually love many things, in many different ways, but we act as if it is all love of the exact same kind, when it is in fact, a spectrum which mutates, or adapts to its surroundings constantly.

Think, for instance, about that best friend that you had in high school. Say you're no longer friends, or even acquaintances with that friend. According to how we define love and "falling out of love", I would assume that perhaps you never loved this "best friend" enough to keep them as your "best friend" indefinitely, no? Is love really that rigid and unstable of a thing? I would say that the old best friend was your true best friend, whom you loved how you could, for who you were back then. But, since then you have changed and grown in opposite directions and rather than ridiculing that old friendship (or maybe you do), you recognize that it existed for a reason and in that season, you were what each other needed. Who you were, who you are, and who you are becoming are simultaneously connected and valuable.

Rather than making the idea of "Love" out to be such a singular, isolated thing, I feel like it would be much more appropriate and relieving for everyone if we talked about "Love" as if it were a constant state of being rather than a stagnant definition. In some sense, I feel that it is unfair to expect one person to provide you with all of the love that you need, because I don't believe it is possible. To me, it is an unrealistic expectation and fatalistic idea to think that you truly met and married or befriended this one random person who is surely going to fill all of your heart's needs "or else..." Maybe they just can't be all that you need them to be. Maybe the flaw isn't them but it is you. It is society telling us that it is wrong to love more than one person. Maybe it is wrong to only love one person. Maybe it is wrong to put that much pressure and expectations on one person. If you truly love someone, why would you want to burden them so? Maybe loving someone truly and freely is loving them how you can and allowing them to find the other types of love that you cannot give them elsewhere. This isn't just romantically speaking. I am not saying you should have threesomes or an open relationship. I think trust and intentions are the predictors of that. However, I am saying that if you expect one person to love all of you exactly how you need and want to be loved, then they will surely fail and you will likely grow resentful towards them unfairly and silently protest in damaging ways. I believe that Love should be freely expressed and freely given. And no one but you and your intentions should tell you who you are or are not allowed to love or how. That is for you to figure out.

I went from a point in my life where I would say "I love you" to almost no one. And now, I still have very few people close to me in life, but I would truly say to all of them now that "I love you" because I do. I don't only love what someone gives me in my life experientially or emotionally only, I also love who they are and I love to support their being. I have learned to love the unknown in people and the ambiguity. I learned to love the darkness, both within myself and in others because I now know that it is the closest path to truth, or honesty. It is my love of them and our relationship that drives the direction of my intention. If you only love yourself, then your intentions will only ever be drawn to please yourself. And that is dangerous for both you and others.